More Ivy Than The Botanical Gardens!

Saturday October 6th 2012, a crisp autumnal day and if wrapped up warm, a perfect day for a craft fair. Well for many people anyway. I always find such things rather ‘twee’ and dislike all the pushing and heaving to simply purchase a heavily iced cupcake, or a scarf made on a knitting machine!

At least this fair was at a beautiful country house in Cheshire so I could make for the grounds once the purchases were made. With Christmas around the corner I had no option but to overcome my aversion to such events, and to try to pick up something unusual for those members of my family and friends who would appreciate same.

Entering the marque advertising crafts and gifts, I sighed as I saw the many people who had the same idea as me. I sensed the ‘Il fight you for the last homemade pork pie’, and the, ‘ I was here before you’ feeling and my heart sank.

Each time I approached a stall the vendor, like a flash, was there to greet me ‘ You okay there?’ Well of course ‘Im okay’ – I just want to browse and take my time – deciding between a vase made from Mango trees straight from Africa (ethically made of course) and a set of hand painted coasters from Whitby, takes some doing! After a lecture at each stall and seemingly never ending ranges of ‘homemade’ – I bowed out, purchased nothing very politely,  and beat a hasty retreat to the tea tent.

A huge steaming plastic cup of tea and a cheese roll later I felt refreshed and with renewed vigour, I proceeded to wander the outdoor stalls. Half an hour later I placed my heavy ‘christmas’ purchases into the car. Who would like 6 ozs of crumbly Lancashire cheese I wonder? Maybe the black pudding or the quarter of black and white mints? You see, I hadn’t bought a single Christmas present! Just loaded up with farmers market type produce that cost a fortune and didnt give me a head start for the 25th of December!

Slamming the car boot shut I set off on foot to explore the house and its gardens – now this was a treat! More Ivy than the Botanical Gardens, swans and Canadian geese on the lake, beautiful trees turning orange and brown – much more like my idea of a day out! Peaceful and natural and not a knitted tea cosy in sight!

Crematorium Behaviour

Could improving Crematoriums help society in dealing with disposal of the dead?

Funny how the crematorium brings out a variety of behaviours in those attending for Funerals! As a funeral director I am obviously at the crematorium many times in a week and I never fail to be amazed by what I see over and above the grief and sadness…
Firstly we have the ‘professional mourner’ who, no matter how much I attempt to guide them will do their own thing! These mourners, not usually family members (but may well be), will attend funerals reguarly and know the layout of the chapels. They will muscle their way in, find a good vantage point and Bingo! – no shiftin em – no matter what!!

We have those who can see the majority of seats are taken but that the available seats are somewhere near the mourning family.If guided towards theses empty seats there is no way they will sit in them. They will stand rather than sit anywhere near ‘the family’! Its as if they are terrified of having to speak or to look at the deceased’s loved ones for fear of being spoken to and therefore must stay well away at the back of the chapel!

Then we have the Mr and Mrs who will ‘dither’ , trying out various seats before settling into one. They will always manage to sit where there are no Order of Service on the seats and once the service begins will begin to shuffle and disrupt proceedings because they don’t have one and want one!

We have the ‘gum chewing male’, work colleagues who will almost always stand at the back of the chapel blocking the walk way where we have to carry the coffin in!No amount of explaning that we must leave a clear entrance will shift em! They move back and as soon as I turn my back ‘hey presto’ — its blocked again!
Only when the coffin approaches do they start to ‘scurry’ out of the way with fear on their faces!

We have the devoutly religious persons who clearly don’t think the service should be held in a crematorium. For them there is no place like church for a funeral and they are going to tut and huff and puff their way throughout the service, whispering together and being quite disrespectful.

We have those persons who giggle throughout the service, usually young people and children. Whether this be through nerves or disrespect would be hard to say. Whatever it is it causes others to glare and to shout sshhhh! which seems to increase the giggles!

I teach my staff to be patient because other than the professional mourners the majority of people do not know the protocol or etiquette of crematoriums and do not want to. They hope to get in and get out or to get in and do what they think is the right thing. It would be easy to lose patience sometimes when the service is delayed by some woman in regulation black raincoat, waving her arms around because she wants to sit at the end of a pew not near the wall!
It would be easy to feel agitated sometimes when family members wont sit down and when they do they began a game of musical chairs because someone wants to sit near someone else which in turn involves the whole row coming back out of the pew and rearranging matters as the vicar has started the descent!

Society has so many taboos about death and dying that it just doesn’t know how to behave in its presence.Talking about death might bring it closer ( I doubt it) and attending a crematorium is just so out of the ‘comfort zone’ it coverts all manner of behaviour.
Crematoriums don’t help matters either often being less than illuminating by nature. Perhaps a whole new approach to funeral and crematorium design could ease the discomfort so obviously felt by so many. Whilst visiting Scotland I came across the most beautiful and innovative crematorium I have ever seen. I wonder if our local authorities took a leaf out of this council’s book could we help matters?

How Do I Use Buddhism in my work?

As a Kadampa Buddhist my practice is always for the benefit of other sentient beings. I am therefore very privileged everyday, to do the job that I do.
I feel that my role as a Funeral Director, enables me to put into practice some of the advice offered by Shantideva, a renowned Indian Buddhist master (AD 687-763). Shantideva composed the, ‘Guide to the Bodhisattva’s Way of Life’ – a Buddhist Poem for Today.
A ‘Bodhisattva’ or ‘Friend of the World’, is a being who, motivated by compassion seeks enlightenment in order to benefit all living beings. The poem provides practical advice on how to enter and progress along the Buddhist path to enlightenment and is a condensation of all Buddha’s teachings, showing clearly how the teachings can be incorporated into our daily life. It has very kindly been translated from Tibetan into English under the guidance of Venerable Geshe Kelsang Gyatso.
Many Kadampa practitioners keep Shantidevas teachings in their heart as do I.
In particular Verse 156 of the eighth chapter of the ‘Bodhisattva’s Way of Life’, ” Relying Upon Mental Stablity ” — this verse says ‘ I will definitely engage in working for the benefit of others’;
I am very privileged to work in a position where I can follow Shanidevas teachings. Everyday I am faced with death and therefore the realisation that if I continually remember, that death will surely occur to me one day, I will realise that I shall not live in this world forever. I recognise and can begin to see myself as a traveller bound for future lives.This recognition reduces my anxiety, irritation and attachments to this life and its pleasures! (Geshe Kelsang Gyatso)
If we forget about death we run the risk of becoming consumed by the concerns of this life and when death arives we realise too late, that it has all been futile!
I see this time and again in my work. Bereaved people with so many regrets, so many things left unsaid, so many disappointments, so much bitterness. Instead of being able to ‘see’ that they can change these feelings by changing their view and that they can change the way that they will die when the time comes by leading a life with more inner peace, they just succeed in compounding the error and continue onwards, feeling sorry for themselves, feeling anger and anguish -trying to turn back the clock. However that clock is ticking for them and they too are travelling towards an unpeaceful death.

I use my Dharma to try to help in these situations.
Dharma makes me calm and peaceful inside and I am able to control any arising anger because of it. I try to present a balanced attitude to those with whom I work. I use my practice to help me gain the strength to simply – “be” with those bereaved – not to preach or attempt to change minds – but to transmit peace however I can.
Our resting bedrooms are just that – bedrooms – candlelight, incense, images of buddah, flowers and an overall ‘Peace’.
Our families say they could sit in these spaces for hours with their loved one. We hope our spaces offer people a facility where they can sit with the deceased person and perhaps resolve some of their issues or to find peace and comfort knowing thier loved one is being cared for.
Overall my Kadampa Buddhist practice enables me to find a teaching in every situation and helps me to hold the thought that everything that happens in my work confirms Buddha’s teachings. In turn this increases my spiritual awareness and I am then able to subtly pass on, my inner peace to others.